


Three Years

by Iris_Reid92



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-26
Updated: 2013-11-26
Packaged: 2018-01-02 04:56:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1052772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iris_Reid92/pseuds/Iris_Reid92
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermione is a teacher at Hogwarts and after sometime there she befriends our favorite Potions Master. What will happen when the marriage law takes a hold of them?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Years

"Lily."

There it is.

The name that still haunts me and reminds me of the woman my soon to be husband still loves. Here I am "sleeping" next to said man. I just put down my book for the night. I felt tears burn my eyes and an invisible hand squeeze my heart. His arm was draped over my middle and pulling me close to his chest. The feel of him was never bothersome or uncomfortable, but I can't help but think that he isn't holding me because it's me but because he is dreaming that he is holding Lily most likely.

The tears had started to fall and I don't have the energy to stop them. I felt him stir behind me and his hold on me tighten. I wish it was me that he knew he was holding.

"Lily," he murmured again.

This time I couldn't control the sob that escaped. Severus woke up startled by my sobbing I felt the weight of his arm leave my middle and as if by instinct I curled up into a ball and try to control my sobbing and falling tears. I tried and failed miserably the tears kept falling and the numbness that was protecting my already fragile heart disappeared and pain took its hold.

"Hermione?" I heard someone call, and a hand caress my face. I don't want move towards the voice but I felt myself unwillingly move towards it anyway, "Hermione?" the voice called again then I felt the owner of the voice wrap his arms around me. Realization hit me and I know who is holding me, Severus. I dared to spare a glance at him and was surprised to find his black eyes holding concern in them. But the concern in his eyes didn't ease the ever-growing pain in my chest. His arms tightened around me which only made cry harder

"Hermione? What's wrong? Are you in pain?" he asked worriedly. I wanted...needed...scratch both of those out, it's more like I wish he would love me back. But I know that that will never happen. The sobs had all but stopped and all that is left of them are little hiccups and the continuation of the tears. His concerned gaze never left my teary one.

"Hermione is there anything wrong? Do you need anything?" be asked his voice full of concern. I wanted to say yes and tell him why. But if his friendship was all I would get then there is no way I will jeopardize that.

Yes, I'm finally admitting it. At least to myself…that I'm in love with Severus Snape.

I know that this sounds crazy but I can't help loving him. I love the how intelligent he is, how skilled he is as a potions master obviously, and I a really weird way I love his bastardly attitude. Don't ask me why I just do. I continued to gaze into his eyes bout stopped myself from looking for a kind of love that doesn't exist. Well, at least not when it pertains to me. I shook my head at his question.

"Are you sure?" He asked his brow furrowing with more concern if that was possible and a clear indication that he didn't take my word for it.

"I'm fine really. You don't need to worry too much about me Severus. It's just he cramps. My period must've come early," I said trying to calm him down.

"Are you sure you are alright?" he asked as he caressed my cheek.

Tears burned my eyes again at the realization that his care for me is only that of a friend's.

"I'll be right back," I said getting up and walking towards the bathroom.

I felt his gaze follow me until I closed the door. I crumbled to the floor, the pain was almost too much to bear. I curled into a ball an let an ear piercing scream out. I remembered crying myself dry.

As I stood from the floor Severus knocked on the door.

"Hermione, are you alright?" he asked.

The concern in his voice seemed to have grown and continued to grow if it was possible the longer I stayed in the bathroom. I gave myself a look over and to my surprise my period had arrived.

'At least I don't have to lie about it now,' I thought blankly.

"Hermione?" he called out again. Damn! The silencing charms! I forgot to lower it. When I did I answered, "Yes, I'm fine and punctual too! My period has come to curse me for awhile." I said trying o lighten up the mood.

It must have worked because Severus' quiet chuckle through the door. After cleaning myself up and making sure that all traces of tears were gone, for the moment anyway I walked of my little sanctuary and braced myself for another painful day and at night what will most likely be a restless night. I walked out to find that Severus was not in the room. Relief ran through me and I took a deep calming breath and began my trek around the apartment. I walked out to the siting room to also find it empty. Odd. I went through every room in the "apartment" to find each of them empty. Very odd Severus never had breakfast with the staff on weekends. I walked towards the last room in the apartment. I called this room the West Wing (a/n: from he movie Beauty and The Beast) because this is Severus' personal study and no one is allowed in. The only times I go in are when I'm cleaning the apartment, and without touching anything of course.

The door to the study was ajar and me being naturally curious I went to check on him. I saw him sitting in desk a tumbler of firewhiskey in hand and her picture in the other. I could have sworn somewhere in the castle glass had broken but I am sure that it was just me. He just sat there staring at the picture with such tenderness...no. Stop looking! I yelled at myself. And with a non-existent heart and shaky breath I made my way back to the bedroom and got in bed and pulled the pillows on my head. I hoped that I would suffocate before dawn but it does not matter anymore. I do not care if I die as far as I am concerned I am already dead. I took a peek at the clock on the bedside and sighed at the time. 1 a.m.

'Time flies when one's heart is shattered,' I thought with a sad smile.

I knew I was going to regret getting out bed and check on him but I would no be a good wife I didn't go. I made my way back to the 'West Wing' to find that Severus is drunk of his ass.

"You know I love you Lily. And I'll always will," he slurred at he picture on his desk.

My already shattered heart has turned to ash. I walked in numbly and took the tumbler from his hand.

"Lily?" he asked looking at me.

I blinked back my tears and took a deep breath. I hoped he passes out from the alcohol, I don't think I can take him calling by her name, but instead he just kept on talking to me as if I was I was the love he had lost. My head was shouting not to answer but I did anyway, "Yes."

He looked at me with such tenderness that I almost forgot that he was drunk and what we have is a sort of friends with benefits marriage, not to mention that what he is feeling at the moment are not directed at me. He only stared at me as we faced each other.

I wanted to pretend to be Lily a that moment just so I can at least have a taste of what it's like to be his. A tear had escaped its prison and before I could wipe it away Severus' hand was already doing it.

"Why do you cry Lily?" he asked resting his hand on my cheek.

The tears fell again. I wanted to sob and scream. The pain is...unbearable.

I couldn't answer him. I don't know how or what to say. I don't want to fight anymore so I pressed his hand harder on my cheek and closed my eyes reveling on the warmth and tenderness it held. He stood and I tensed. Does he recognize me through his drunken stupor? I was proven wrong when he pulled me into his arms and held me tight. I breathed in his sandalwood and spice sent loving how it cocooned me.

He repeated his question again.

I gave him a smile and reluctantly let him go. I walked out of the study and back to the bedroom and knew had to get lucky to be able to go back to sleep. I had pulled the blankets back to get in the bed when I felt his hands pulling the straps to my nightgown of my shoulders. I sighed as I felt his hands on my neck, shoulders and waist. His hands were calloused due to his time as a potions master but they were warm...No! I tried to snap myself out of the warm emotions that he was emitting from me. The snapping out ended when he started to trail kisses up and down my neck and shoulders.

Then I knew I was really lost.

SS/HG

I woke up with Severus' head on my chest.

Hmmm….

Last night was divine.

I looked down at him and couldn't help the feelings of completeness that flooded my being. As I laid there my contented smile stared to fall as the memories of last night started to come back. I gasped as the pain of my broken took over. Every kiss, caress, him holding me now...this...this not meant for me. My minds eye replayed our night of passion like it was a movie and forced me recall how he uttered her name as we came together. I was tired of fighting, so when the tears fell I didn't bother trying to stop them and I resigned myself to the fact that we would never move into anything more than the friends with benefits relationship we have at the present.

"Lily," Severus murmured in his sleep.

I wanted to scream again at the painful jolt that shot through me. The tears fell faster and I prayed to any God that would listen I make him turn to a more comfortable position. I almost laughed in relief as my prayers were answered and he shifted. As soon as he did I ran out of the bed and repeated the bathroom screaming fiasco, and this time the tears wouldn't stop. I walked out of the bathroom 'refreshed' and noticed Severus was still sleeping. I don't know what to feel when I see him. This might have to do with the blanket of numbness that has wrapped itself around my heart. My non-existent heart. I decided to change the bedding of the bed and dress Severus in some pj-pants. I don't know why I did it, I just did.

I gave Severus on last look and a kiss on his forehead.

"Lily," he mumbled again.

I covered my mouth to keep the sobs at bay. I went to his study and replaced the empty bottle of firewhiskey with a new one and a clean tumbler. I couldn't help but stare at the picture of her and the only words that were swimming around my head are, 'I hate you!' Incinerating the picture of the smiling woman crossed my mind. Instead I threw salt at my wound by fixing the battered picture frame to the best of my ability and put it back on the desk. The tears had stopped but the sadness I felt showed on my face and seemed like it would never go away.

I made my way back to the bedroom and leaned on the doorframe and stared at the man sleeping on the bed. He is now lying on his stomach with the blanket covering the bottom half of his body. The scene tugged a grin over my lips.

"Lily," he murmured again.

That shook me out of my little bubble of peace and back to reality. And so I started my morning routine and couldn't help but think that life is a fickle bitch. I was finishing up washing my face when I felt that hands on my shoulders. I looked at the mirror at was met with a hung-over and probably still drunk Severus. Last night's memories were trying to break free but I locked them back an tried to remain calm.

"Sorry for startling you but I think I went a little over board with the firewhiskey last night," he said reaching for his toothbrush.

All I could do was nod; I had a feeling that my voice at the moment couldn't be trusted. I reached inside the cabinet and pulled out a sober-up, what he must've really been looking for. After rinsing his mouth I passed him the little bottle and watched downe it. I sat on the floor near the door and waited. For what? I didn't know. I didn't know whether to wait for Severus to suddenly remember last night and tell me that he doesn't feel the same way I feel for him or if he does remember for him to never look at me again.

The memories of last night broke my mind's barrier and ran around like a movie. I started to remember how his touch affected me and how despite his drunken state his touch was tender. I pulled my knees to my chest and put my head on them as tears started to form. I tried to get a grip on myself before Severus noticed anything wrong.

'But of course he would find out anyway,' I thought I myself as I felt him sit down next to me. I felt his arm on my shoulders pulling me close to him.

"I guess I can't hold my liquor as much as I thought I could," he said trying to lighten the mood.

I tried smile but couldn't, the pain of this one sided love is still fresh and taking its toll on me quickly through his non-romantic gestures. Salt on the wound people! This is salt on the wound. But I let him hold me. I let him think that he is comforting me when in truth whether he knows it or not he is walking over my broken and cremated heart.

"Are you sure your ok Mia?" he asked pushing a loose curl away from my eyes. I looked at him then and gave him a small smile. His nickname for me is one of the few happy memories I have that involves just him and me. With no interference of Lily, Harry or Ron, just Severus and me having a good time getting to know each other. In all honesty I can say that those are times I wish we had more of.

"No, Sev. I'm not ok," I said. After a moment he pulled me to him and squeezed me tight.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked with concern.

I thought for a moment then nodded.

He pulled onto his lap, this felt intimate and right. His arms around me, holding me to him, I felt warm and safe. I could even say loved.

"I don't know why my memory is so stubborn," I started with a nervous laugh, "I mean I want to forget someone or something but my memory won't comply to that."

I was nervous as hell but didn't hint him about my feelings for him. I want to talk because God knows that if I don't then I might go crazy. I don't want to do that to him.

He nodded in understanding and for me to go on.

"Some time ago I had come to discover that I had fallen I love. This was before the law was even a topic of interest, fourth year to be exact," I took a deep breath and steeled myself. Not that that was going to help any, or soften the blow.

"Viktor Krum and I had developed a rather close friendship over the time he had been here for the triwizard tournament. When I accepted his invitation to the Yule Ball I hoped that I had gotten the attention of the person I was head over heels for."

I stopped and tried to keep my breathing under control and my tears at bay.

I had seen Severus chaperoning at the ball but I couldn't stop and daydream about him and I dancing around the white and "icy" great hall due to the argument I had with Ron. I felt Severus squeeze my middle and I turned to look at him. His coal black eyes were sincere and the love for a friend is evident within them.

I stared down a my hands on my lap and heard him ask, "And were you noticed?"

I sifted through my memories of that night and the dam nearly broke when I remembered that he had left soon after the champions had danced their first dance. I remember how I cried myself to sleep at he realization that he would never notice me let alone love me, 'the insufferable know it all.' I looked at him and shook my head.

"He left before I could talk to him but I don't think that he would ever notice me or even consider loving me, he had or still has someone else in his heart," I tried to get up but Severus held me down.

"Mia, any man would be happy to have you by their side if not for this damned law. You are a beautiful, smart, compassionate, selfless, and strong woman. Don't you ever let anyone tell you any different," he said pulling me into a hug.

I couldn't hold back anymore, the pain is too much...I had to let the tears fall. I cried on his shoulder and let him hold me to him. Here is my love telling me that I have all these incredible qualities like I'm some sort of Wonder Woman...but if I'm all that he says I am, this wonderful woman, then why can't I spark his interest? Or get him to love me like a lover? The shadow of green eyes and red hair made itself known.

'There is your answer,' my mind whispered to me. As the picture of her floated around I cried harder.

There was a knock at the door and I took this as a means to get up and escape from his grasp and try not to breakdown fully, although I think it is to late for that. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Snape?" a man said from the other side.

I nodded.

"My name is Markle Gideon, I'm looking for your husband is he at home?" he asked politely.

I was curious as to why this man was looking for Severus had he done anything wrong? I didn't know but I nodded and let him through. I led him to the sitting room and played the role of a proper wife/hostess. I left him sitting on the couch waiting.

I walked into our bedroom saying, "There is a Mr. Markle Gideon outside asking for you."

My voice sounded hollow and made Severus turn to look at me from his place in front of the wardrobe. I sat on he bed and stared into space and let whatever is left of my heart dream of a world where I have a loving husband and children for us to love and raise. But I have to accept that Severus won't be that kind of husband. And I'm pretty sure that children are out of the question even if I wanted any Sev wouldn't. I guess we'll only be more friends with benefits than anything else, I think.

I felt a hand on my shoulder give me a gentle shake

"Huh?" I looked up at him waiting for him to say something, well more like anything at all.

"Are you sure you're alright?" he asked worriedly.

I knew that lying to him is out of the question so I said, "No, I think I'll just lie down."

I removed my robe and let Severus take it. I was about to pull the covers overt head when I felt Severus' lips on my forehead.

"If you need anything don't hesitate to call me, alright?" he asked.

The concern hadn't left his voice. I nodded and waited for him to leave to fully break down...again. When I heard the click of the door I let the tears fall. I closed my eyes and tried to make the tears stop and maybe get some sleep. I managed to control the flow of tears and turned on my side only to be met with our wedding picture. Instead of the tears I was expecting I felt warmth enclosed me and my mind drifted to my first two years as a teacher.

SS/HG

Memory

"Welcome back Ms. Granger," Prof-Minerva (as she insists on me calling her) said with a smile.

"Thank you very much Minerva," I answered returning the smile. I sat on one of the chairs and waited for Minerva to tell me why exactly she asked to come to Hogwarts. Tea ha arrived with shortbread cookies on the side.

"Well, you must be wondering why I summoned you here in the first place. The truth is that the school needs a new Transfigurations professor. Me being both headmistress and teacher has taken its toll and before I release the add I wanted to ask you if you were interested in the position?"

I was stunned. She wants me to be a teacher. And not just that, she wants me to teach her class? I was honored for lack of a better word and I know that the boys won't care now that their true colors have been exposed. Unfortunately they can't pass the required tests without me and I quote, 'we need you there mudblood. The only thing you seem to be useful for is to be the walking encyclopedia that you are.' Now the only reason I ever go to the Burrow is when the Weasley's (minus Ron and Harry) invite me over or when I'm going to visit Ginny.

I looked over at Minerva who was just about ready explode in anticipation as to what my answer would be. I gave her a wide smile and nodded. She beamed with pride as she got the paper work ready. Then there was a knock on the door as Minerva guided me through the contract.

"Ah, yes Severus what do you need?" she asked without looking up.

I didn't dare turn around and look for fear that his attitude towards me had not changed.

"I can come back later I see you are occupied at the moment-" he started to say but was cut of by Minerva, There is no need for you to leave Severus. Please sit and say hello to our new transfigurations professor."

She looked at him with a proud smile that said 'my girl is finally home.' I took a deep breath and stood to greet him.

"Ms. Granger?" he asked.

The look on his face was not what I expected. Surprise and another emotion that I could not pin point were swimming in his black eyes. I gave him a warm (hopefully warm) smile and nodded. His look of astonishment never left him until I snapped him out of his trance by saying, "Its good to see you and looking so well."

He cleared his throat and I thought he was going to sneer at me as an answer but instead he surprised me by smiling. Genuinely smiling. And saying, "Thank you Ms. Granger. And may I-"

Return to reality

Knock! Knock!

Whoever is making that sound better have a good reason for waking me up. I got out of the bed, put on my bathrobe and walked to the door opening it slightly.

"The cost is quite high Mr. Snape..." I heard a female voice say.

"I am willing to pay whatever it takes," came Severus' response.

So, he's paying whores now. Am I that unattractive? Is he looking for a surrogate Lily or... Then it hit me, he was looking for someone to drink polyjuice to turn into Lily. I closed the door and got back in bed and pulled the covers up to my shoulders then turned on my side and returned to staring at Sev's and my wedding picture. I expected tears to come, for what remained of my heart to be swept away and for nothing but pain to take hold.

But instead I just felt numb.

My mind wandered again and this time to the dream or rather memory that had wormed its way out of its confines.

Memory- Continued

After the contract had been signed Severus, as he now insists I call him, showed me all of the trap doors and where they lead. By the end of the day I was starving and running on empty. As the time for dinner neared Severus and I began to make our way to the Great Hall.

We had taken our seats at the head table and waited for the rest of the staff but at the moment we were alone. As we waited we started talking about anything and everything and as we did so I couldn't help but feel the crush I hadn't quite gotten over return ten fold. I've had a crush on Severus since my sixth year but had ignored it knowing more than well that one, there was a war going on and two, he would never notice me as a student. I wanted to at least mention it but the probability of getting rejected was way high. We talked for a while longer until the teachers came in and we all enjoyed dinner and the fact that it was summer.

(2 1/2 years later)

It's been a little over 2 years now and the friendship that has developed between Severus an I seemed to grow into something more or at least I think it is.

'Thank Merlin it's Saturday,' I thought as I made my way to the Great Hall for breakfast. I walked up to the head table and noticed Severus ready there looking more than just a little irritable.

"Good morning Severus," I said taking my seat.

He spared me a glance and quietly passed me the Prophet.

"Marriage Law Approved!" Was written on the front page. I looked at Severus and be nodded for me to continue reading.

"There has been a decline in magic births within the pureblooded families and many wizards have left Europe seeking refuge away from the scars left by the war that the population is starting to dwindle," said the Minister for Magic Kingsley Shaklebot yesterday at the. Also, the heroes of the wizarding world at not exempt from this law."

I was shocked.

A marriage law? I don't know want to do now. I closed my eyes and knew that nothing could be done, by anybody. Not even Kingsley and he's the minister! I finished reading the article and was not surprised to find the list of bachelors posted on the back of the post. As students started to fill the Great Hall I passed the paper back to Severus who promptly threw it in the fire place behind us. Soon enough the hall was full and the staff was trying swallow he food on our plates.

I could tell that everyone in the hall knew about the marriage law. The hall was deadly quiet no one said or did anything we just waited for the owls that carry 'the list' with them. The students were growing weary and due to the silence that had fallen over the hall, but who could blame them? The silence was broken by one of the first year Slytherins came up to me and asked if there was anything wrong. I looked at Minerva and the rest of the staff. The younger students that belonged to both muggle and pureblood families must. It know of what is going on within the Ministry.

The protection of a child is worth the world for parents I know that but there are something's that must be told to them when laws such as these will revolve around them once they are of age. Minerva's normally well mannered nature had softened, she now has a sad and sombe look etched on her face. The hall had grown quiet and the seventh year were holding their significant others in a vice grip. Minerva sat back down and looked around the hall at the amount of students that had come back for an eighth year.

No one moved of spoke waiting for their owls from home. And soon the first owl flew in follows by many more all holding parchment roles either from the families or the ministry. The ones that were sent by families were filled with concern about how the law will effect their children and how they can get them out of it. What they don't understand is that they don't have much of a choice, it's either marry or get thrown in Azkaban.

I froze a scroll landed next to my plate. I gave it a pics of toast and read the names of men who had petitioned for me. I was in awe at the sons of death eaters that were on the list and petitioned to marry me! I hastily transfigured my napkin into a quill and started crossing out the names of the ones I knew would kill me. I continued to read down the lat and came across the names of the Weasley's, I'm pretty sure that with the way Ron and Harry were treating me that marrying a Weasley was a bad idea.

"Hermione?" I heard Sev say.

I looked up at him and and tried to give him a smile.

"I may have an idea as to how we can avoid marrying those that want us dead," he said somberly and with a scowl on his face.

Why would he say that if this idea causes misery? Am I really that bad of a choice?

"Alright," I said despite of my growing anxiety.

He leaned in and whispered, "Why don't we marry each other?"

I sat there shell shocked. He wanted us to marry? I looked at him and thought for a moment. He is right! I won't have to marry the sons of deatheaters and if we did marry there might be the chance that he might actually love me. I looked at Severus and with a small smile agreed.

I noticed that his scowl deepened and worriedly said, "I want you to be sure about this. I don't want you to marry me if you already have someone else in mind."

I shook my head and handed him the list of bachelors the Ministry sent. As he read I told him about how Harry and Ron had been treating me. He looked surprised at my revelation and continued to read through the list.

"Mia, it turns out that us marrying is more than just a good idea. Plus, I don't want to marry Trewlany any more than she is trying to convince me that we belong together. I know, I know its more than just a little insane. But no matter how many times I told her that she would insist that we do belong together," he said with a light chuckle.

I can't believe the nerve of that woman! Just because she's a divinations teacher doesn't mean that all she predicts is true other than some prophecies.

I smiled and Severus and said, "When should we get married?"

He stood up and offered my his hand which I happily accepted.

"We could go somewhere remote and bring a minister to marry us or we could go to the Ministry…" Severus said with a small smile on his face.

We were walking through a newly built trail through the Forbidden Forest, still hand in hand. I smiled at him and to be honest I don't think a Ministry wedding was a good idea. How many people would notice and make up some bullshit story about and how we married. He must've seen the incredulous look on my face because he squeezed my hand and said, "Alright, no Ministry."

I chuckled and said, "Why don't we have Minerva marry us!"

Severus looked at the hills with a thoughtful look on his face. When he looked back at me he had this kind grin on his features, then he nodded.

(End Memory)

Minerva was ok with the marriage and through his portrait Albus was twinkling like a disco ball. The first few months of our marriage were the happiest months I had since before the beginning of the war. He took me traveling around Germany, Spain, Italy and France for our honeymoon. Those months spent in each country were ones filled with bliss that seemed to be endless not to mention the look of peace that marred his features was amazing to behold, not to mention his smiles.

He certainly is a handsome man when he smiles and relaxes more.

We had shared rooms and a bed but when we came back and time continued to pass I started to notice the pictures of him with a girl on the mantle piece above the hearth. I thought it was odd that we are married and had so many pictures taken together but only two or three were on the mantle, his office, or study compared to the ones he has of this unknown (to me) girl. Then one day I was cleaning around the apartment while he was out collecting some seasonal ingredients from the Forbidden Forest. I was about to run the duster over the desk in his study when I saw her brightly smiling picture. At first I thought it was for him to remember his dear friend. But as I looked around I could have sworn I heard a piano chord break as my heart fell as it registered that that that there wasn't one of me.

The picture was battered and worn. Against my will I felt my arm flick my wand over it to fix it and frame it.

I would bet anything I owned that there isn't one of me or us on his classroom desk either; I didn't have the heart or strength to prove that thought is right. I made my way to our bedroom and proceeded to get in bed and pull the covers over my head. And I wished for what felt like the billionth time in this marriage that I was the one he had pictures of, the one that holds that special place in his heart, and to be the one he loves and is alive to love him back for who he is no matter what he did as a deatheater.

I felt the bed shift and someone tugging on the blanket.

"Hermione?" I heard Severus ask.

I let him pull the blanket down.

"Hmm?" Was all could muster as an answer, I couldn't trust my voice at the moment.

"Are you alright?" he asked as he put his hand on my now uncovered shoulder.

I didn't want to turn and look at him but against my better judgment I did. I thought that this would be the end of this horrible weekend but no. He fluffed the pillows on his side so he could sit on the headboard and helped me do mine, I did my best not to go limp in his arms. As soon as the task was done he pulled me to him in a warm embrace.

I felt awkward. We were just sitting on the bed…me staring at my hands and he was staring at me.

"I saw the frame on the picture," he said.

Oh, so that's why we are sitting here. He wants to thank me for framing the picture of his beloved.

I was expecting tears to fall, but they didn't.

I felt Severus pull me to him a little more and the urge to put my head on his shoulder was nearly over-powering. The battle with the desire to snuggle up to him was also trying to take over. In the end I won, both battles.

"So?" I asked in a quiet tone.

"The frame is unnecessary," he said nervously? Why is he nervous?

"I just wanted to keep the picture from fading, I know how much she means to you," I said my voice flat.

I stood up from the bed and away from his warm hold and made my way out of our room.

I transfigured my pajamas into robes and said, "I'm going for a walk don't wait up."

I felt his stare on me as I walked out.

The halls were empty and the sky was dark, the cool air smelled of pine and wet grass but I hardly noticed the cold air as I made my way to the outskirts of Hogsmead and apparated to the forest of Dean. The snow covered the forest floor like a blanket of pure white making it look like a dream. I transfigured all I could into a cot, pillow and thick blanket. I placed a warming charm on the cot, pillow and blanket and tucked myself in. The skies were clear and the stars were out taking me back to places where happiness exists out of this hell I suddenly found myself living.

I'm exhausted but sleep eluded me. I wish I could sleep, that way I can escape the painful realities I live in.

Permanently.

Ok, mental list…

One, short-lived happiness, check.

Two, my secret crush on my husband growing into a one sided love while his remains purely platonic, check.

Three, continuously breaking heart, check.

Four, insanity. Well, that is well on its way to having a check.

I felt the numbness over my heart fade and for reasons unknown the pain isn't rendering me immobile. No, its just taking my psyche and pushing it to the brink of breaking. I lay in my cot and continued to stare at the stars thinking of what it would be like to be loved. It wasn't long before I felt someone shake me out of my little bubble of happiness.

"Hermione?"

'Oh, damn he found me,' I thought bitterly as my…NO! He is not my husband. As Severus gently shook me out of my thoughts I continued to gaze at the stars and wish for hope, for what I don't know. All I know is that I need to keep hope alive.

I turned to look at him and said, "Yes."

He didn't say anything he just picked me up and sat on the cot with me on his lap.

Ok, he has never done this before, at least not after our honeymoon. The friendship (cringe) we have seemed to give him a freedom to be himself that he never had before. To me its somewhat the same thing but I get the chance to sit on the couch with my head on his lap or do something simple like have a conversation with him without that scowl looking at me like a pathetic first year, or even just dine-in when we don't feel like eating with the rest of the staff and students, or the quiet moments we spend together, those moments are the ones I am grateful for having with him.

They are the moments I add to my pensive (aka the small number of happy memories we have as a married couple). I felt his warm arms go around my waist and pull me tight against him. Again the desire to snuggle and let his warmth take a hold of me began to take over. If I did then he would know about my not so platonic feelings for him, this would end up in the ruining or our (cringe) friendship.

"I won't ask if anything is wrong because I know that something clearly is wrong. Please Hermione tell me what's wrong whatever it is maybe I could help?" He sounded…desperate? Why?

I sighed and returned to looking at the stars; "It's nothing that is in your control," I answered blankly.

"Would you at least help me understand what is wrong?" he asked.

I looked at him and gave him a small smile.

"I don't think I should. If I did you would not take it well most likely," I said turning to look at the sky again. I sighed and decided what the hell he isn't even mine so what would trying to explain do?

MARK

"But, I will tell you," I said before shifting on his lap so I was facing him. Maybe not my best idea but my mind is too preoccupied at the moment to care about the position at the moment. Then I noticed that I was straddling his lap.

'Oh, brilliant!' I thought.

His arms were around my middle pulling me to him as my arms wound themselves around his neck on their own accord. I wish I could pull him down into a not so gentle kiss that may lead to something more. But I knew that he would just tell me that he didn't like me that way and give me a lecture to support the why.

"Before the marriage law came to effect I had a crush on someone," I said carefully. I felt Severus stiffen under me, why? He loves Lily! He couldn't possibly love the way I love him, "And do not say its Ron because its not," I stopped and took a deep breath before continuing, "Lets just say it was never a student or someone remotely close to my age. He is older, he is intelligent and even though most would have my eyes disinfected I find me quite attractive," I gave a laugh knowing that when/if Severus puts the pieces together he will most likely find some way to disinfect both my eyes and brain.

I let the love I have for him show in my eyes (I hope). I leaned into him and dared to press my lips to him. I stood still and waited for his reaction.

He stiffened.

Does it disgust him when I kiss him? Am I that ugly? I must be for him to feel so disgusted.

I…nothing. I couldn't feel or think anything. On automatic I stood up from my place on his lap grabbed my wand and apparted away.

I don't know where I am at the moment and in reality I didn't care.

"Who's there!?" Someone called out.

I looked around quickly and noticed that I was in the kitchen of 12 Grimmauld's Place. Oh, crap Harry lives here. I found the broom closet and didn't hesitate to go in.

"Who's there!?" the voice called again. This time I could hear it close by.

"Come out of there young lady I can smell your perfume," the voice said gently but seriously.

Wait, I know that voice. I opened the door to see Remus on the other side with his wand drawn.

"Hermione?" he said lowering his wand.

I nodded rooted to the spot.

"What are you doing in the broom closet?" he asked reaching for my hand.

I took it hoping that he wouldn't turn on me like the people I love keep doing. As soon as I was out of the cramped closet Remus pulled me towards him and wrapped his arms around me. I was shocked but I wrapped my own around his waist. I wanted to cry right then and there, but whether it was because of my broken heart or the hope that maybe Remus doesn't turn me away like so many have is still unknown. When I didn't answer he gave me a reassuring squeeze answering my unspoken question and putting my doubts to rest. That is when the dam finally broke.

"Its alright Herms. There's nothing wrong, shh shh," he said trying to calm me down.

After the moment of hysteria had passed we took or seats on the oversized table and caught up on what was going on in our lives. He told me how Teddy likes to morph his facial features, shift into cats and other things. And how he (Remus) and Tonks are trying to keep up with the shifting as well as the lycanthropy. To their relief Teddy is not yet sharing the transformations with his father. Then a fond smile lit up Remus' features.

"Alright what's with the 'I'm a millionaire smile?" I asked lightly.

His smile grew bigger and his cheeks flushed pink. He looked like as if a great miracle had been made.

"Tonks and I had a baby girl," he said his smile turned into one of utter peace.

I wished I could have that peace. That… I don't even know how to put it. Tranquility? Love? Reprieve maybe? I don't think there is even a word for it!

"Hermione?" I heard Remus ask.

I shook my head and tried to give him a reassuring smile that I'm sure came out looking like a cringe.

"Alright I've told you about me and what's been going on since the end of the war. Now, what have been doing since the end of the war?"

He looked at me expectantly and I sighed. I knew that it's better to tell someone that keeps it to myself. I sighed and began my tale of woes. I couldn't look at him as I told him my tale. Tears fell, sobs were held in and the numbness had taken its hold on my heart again. Remus didn't move, he didn't say anything he just sat there mouth agape staring at me. I stared at nothing in particular as I gave Remus some time to process what I told him. I felt his arm around my shoulders and pull me to him. I leaned on him and let myself daydream.

"Hermione?" Remus asked, "You will always be welcome here."

I was honestly surprised. The shock must've shown on my face because the next thing in knew was that Remus was hugging me tightly.

"I understand that all you have left as close family are Minerva and Severus. I want to know if I'm a part of that small family as well?" he asked with sadness laced in his voice.

How could he think he is not? Of course he is! Then realization hit, he is worried is worried that the he is not because of the time he spent away from home both during and after the war. He didn't need to explain himself, he has a family to take care of and protect. And I told him so with a smile…a true smile.

Remus returned my smile and hugged me tight to him then he ran upstairs yelling for me not to go anywhere. I chuckled lightly and leaned on the table letting my mind wander to what it would be like to have that fairytale life/ending when I heard the padding of little feet coming towards the door.

"Hermione, this is Teddy," Remus said as he came in with a boy in one hand and an 8 month old in his arms with a smiling Tonks behind him.

Tonks made beeline to me and wrapped me in one of her bone crushing hugs. For the moment my reality is forgotten and I am happy for it. I hugged her back and started giggling when she didn't want to let me go but she kept an arm around my shoulders. We sat in the kitchen table and I was introduced to Remus' and Tonks' children. Teddy is the cutest child I have ever met. Part of his cuteness is how he is able to make everyone in a room smile by just being his happy funny self.

He is just like his father. He is kind hearted, shy, and already seems to be very smart. I just know he is going to exceed in his academic courses. The little girl is the one that really surprised me. Everything from her name, Amilya Jane, to her…everything. This little girl is unique and a little spit fire already, that won't be easily extinguished. She is a strong one and will grow up to be a fighter like both of her parents. I smiled at the girl with reddish pink hair and blue eyes lovingly and knew that this girl is going to be a special source of strength for me. She smiles back and reaches for me.

I take her from her father's arms and hold her to me relishing her weight and scent. Then I realize that I have been feeling sorry for myself. The crying, yelling…hoping. Those are all signs of a pity party. They are signs that grow every time I hold a candle of hope for Severus' heart to open itself to me when I know that it won't. He won't.

As I held little Mia I realized that she has the spirit and fire that I had lost. I looked up at Remus and Tonks and smiled. And this time the smile is real and not a cringe. Remus nods proudly knowing that something in me had finally clicked. I gave him a subtle nod and his smile widens. I stayed with the Lupins getting to know both Teddy and Mia and catching up with Tonks. It's good to have family once again. Its good to laugh, smile, live, and start to re-kindle the fire that is me and find the witch that proudly carries the tittle, "the brightest witch of her age."

I am slowly finding myself again. I stayed until late in the evening and it surprised me how I wasn't worried bout how Severus would react. I said my 'goodbyes' and 'come by he apartment/school sometime' and flooed back to Hogwarts.

I walked into his rooms quietly and looked around.

'Maybe he is not here?' I thought moving quietly through the apartment. After putting my robe and shoes away I made my way to his study. I expected for him to be sitting on his desk chair tumbler of whiskey in one hand and a picture of Lily (wince) in the other, him probably drunk and confessing his undying love for her over and over. But instead of that I found I found him asleep over his desk, yes the tumbler was in his hand but what I didn't see was the picture. I looked around and the picture was nowhere to be found.

I walked up to him and gave him a gentle shake. He groaned and shifted but nothing else happened. Then he sat up in and stared directly at me. I steeled myself for the either her name or a reprimand.

"Lily?" it was a question.

I nodded reluctantly and noticed how his eyes darkened in anger. I stood my ground and prayed that he didn't recognize me through his drunken haze.

Then he surprised me by asking, "What in Merlin's name are you doing here?"

I was speechless. Didn't he want Lily here with him instead of me? I knelt so that we were at eye level and reluctantly asked, "Do you not want me here?"

He then unexpectedly laughed. A humorless laugh that sent chills down my spine. When he stopped laughing his face was a mask of emptiness.

"You should know why," he said as he leaned down to put his face in his hands.

"Humor me please," I said letting myself hope that by some miracle he realized that I love him and hopefully vice versa.

"There is this young woman that has been the best friend I could have ever had since your death. 3 years ago the Ministry issued a marriage law. The young woman I married is that friend. And for the past 3 years she has been in love with me and I…I have been so hung up on you…No! I have let myself stay hung up on you! And I don't know why," he cried with anguish.

Again, I am speechless. How does one react to such a confession?

"Do you love her?" I asked somberly.

He did not move from his position. I thought I had crossed a line when he answered, "At first there was this…platonic love we had for each other. The she began to act strangely. Her smiles didn't reach her eyes, the fire she as within began to dim, until one day she became…a shell of her former self. Sometime ago I thought I should do something right by her, maybe I could put a ring on her finger and call her mine and love her as she rightfully deserves!" he bellowed.

I don't know what to think now. He wants to call me his?

"If you do love her, you must let me go," I said.

I saw him nod. I reach up and take one of his hands in mine, " I want you to know that I don't blame you for how James and I died, it wasn't your fault. Quite the contrary I'm the one that should be apologizing to you," I said knowing that this is what is holding him back, his guilt.

He looked at "me" alarmingly.

"Why?" he asked.

I gave his hand a squeeze and said, " Because I wasn't there when you needed me, because I held an unnecessary grudge against you for and unthinkably long time when I should have known that something was wrong and should have helped despite what James and Sirius said," I said hoping that I am right.

He closed his eyes and didn't speak.

"I must leave now. But, remember that my death is not your fault."

I let go of his hand and made my way to the bathroom where I knew a sober-up was calling his name.

I walked back to the study and found him with his face in h is hands again. I stood in front of him placed my fingers under his chin raised his face and touched the vial to his lips. He understood and drank the contents of the vial in one swing.

"Severus?" I asked.

He looked at me, at least I hope its me me he is looking at.

"Hermione?" was his answer.

I smiled in relief and nodded. Next thing I know I'm straddling his lap his arms holding me to him in a vice grip.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry," he said into my neck.

I wrapped my arms around him and held onto him. I felt something wet on my neck, I looked down at him and noticed him trying not to cry.

"Let it out Sev, its ok," I said running my fingers through his surprisingly silky hair. He didn't need more encouragement.

The sobs are gut wrenching and his grip powerful. I held onto him as he let all the years' worth of pain out. He needs to make peace, whether it be with himself or the dead he needs to make peace not for me but for himself.

"Are you going to be alright?" I asked asked after holding each other for what seemed to be forever.

He nodded and shifted his head so it was in the crook of my neck.

I laid my head on his and before I knew it I was asleep.

SS/HG

I woke up and the first thing I noticed was how sore I am. I shifted Severus slightly and stood from the chair.

Oww! Not such a good idea. My entire body hurts from the sitting position but I can't really complain. For the first time in our "marriage" (minus the times he or I needed a hug) Severus held me. Not because I was place holder for Lily but because he wanted to. At least I hope he did.

As I made my way to the kitchen I couldn't help but think that Severus only held me out of pity and nothing else...

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed and hope to hear your thoughts and let me know if you want a sequel or not. Thank you :)


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